The Right to be Scared: Why would we deny it?

 

The last week on social media has been as challenging and thought provoking as many in recent times. Considering the Brexit battles, BLM and Covid we haven’t been short of material but this week took us further down the toilet of our self-destructive and divisive culture. This week’s crowning judgement is remarkably similar to the All Lives matter slogan of last year, designed to undermine the legitimate protest that maybe black people through lived experienced may feel that their lives matter somewhat less. The slogan doing the rounds this week is ‘Notallmen’ in defiance of women suggesting that men need to pay attention to how they as women are feeling.

This is the crux of my concern. It has become so commonplace for strangers on the opposite side of the fence to inform you of your own opinions and how you should feel. To crown 2 issues together in a very neat opposite is a white man telling a black (I include Asian in the same group) woman of the following list of feelings:

·        That to say that white men can be racist makes you racist about white men

·        That to say all men late at night on your own in a public may create fear, is the same as accusing all men of rape

·        That a man explaining to you that you have no need to fear men despite the fact that you do fear men in these situations and therefore you must be paranoid, unnecessarily hysterical and probably hate men and are a lesbian.

·        That a man telling you what to do in vulnerable situations in no way includes telling a man perhaps they should restrain from such attacks or abuse of women.

Men are excused for being men, as if behaviour choices are tribal and involuntarily. Men for the most part are fearful of tackling other men because they are scared of a violent reaction. Interesting point that one, because if I as a man, am scared of a violent reaction to being challenged, how the hell is a woman supposed to feel.

Another factor in the excusing of men is that some of the more vocal libertarian women in the media seemed to want to join in. Certainly point 3 above was wafted around mainstream newspapers in female penned columns. But let’s not get too distracted by that. The women in these particular media outlets are in their jobs purely because they are willing to excuse men or certainly attack other women’s groups or ethnic minorities.

What to conclude from this, I do not know. I am loathe to call women victims because that is me imposing my feelings on a whole group of independent individuals, but the key point is that if a woman tells me she is scared, my job is to believe her and reflect on what I can do to adjust my behaviour. If a woman tells me she is uncomfortable it’s not for me to say, oh don’t worry, it’s just me being a dick. The right answer is stop being a dick. I might think I’m harmless but if one woman is scared then probably others are too. It’s the same late at night or in busy places. I don’t get close to women on their own. They may or may not be scared or aware of me, but if I am conscious of my presence it’s likely they are too. Step away, cross the road. If that’s not possible say something to reassure. Defuse any anxiety.

Admitting to myself that I can be as scary and intimidating as other men in these situations is not a reflection of my behaviour or my honour. In fact by acknowledging and creating space then the women around me know that I am not a threat. They feel better and so do I. The only way to be less threatening is to actively behave in a less threatening way. It works and from what I have heard and read this week it is all that women are asking. They are not saying all men are bad but please behave in a way that reassures strangers and doesn’t add to fear.

The final point is that about men challenging men. The problem is spotting it quick enough. Men I have known in the past, even the most laddish who from the outside might be perceived as at risk of predatory behaviour would also go to the extremes to ensure a woman was safe. They are remarkably respectful and honourable in public spaces and go out of their way to look after women around them. For example, in a taxi queue, they would let women jump the queue to get the first cab. Small things but probably a relief to any lone girls standing in a drunken queue. A friend was always the biggest lad around and he was quite happy to risk the wrath of the men waiting to ensure the girl was safe. Though he might turn around and joke about the size of her chest back to us, he would never let the girl feel unsafe. I guess it shows that being around men and groups of men there can be all sorts of behaviours, some less forgivable than others.  

In bars, where most of the time I observe poor behaviour, girls are mixing in the same groups. The dynamics are complex so sometimes I look away. As I’m not frequently out on my own late at night, I see less of the stalker type behaviours. Though for all my lack of seeing it, I have no doubt it exists. How do I know? Because women tell me. Reading all the social media stories last week tells me and should tell all of us. Pay more attention and see what’s happening. And if possible, intervene, do something.

Why deny someone their experience? So often in these pages I wonder why people, mainly men, believe that being considerate and empathic takes something away from them. We must do better. I must do better. We all have women in our lives, perhaps we should listen more and judge less.